There’s a beast which has been walking and constantly whispering unsolicited words through every day and every night. It’s changing my life in ways I can’t predict. It has turned me into a prisoner in my own mind.
For a long time, I thought I was facing two separate beasts but then I realized it was just two heads of the same beast, they feed off of each other and thrive from the misery they create in my mind. While one head makes my heart race and my mind panic even before I wake up in the morning, the other makes me numb to everything in my life. One makes me question, worry and doubt everything about the future, the other ruins my present and makes me blind towards everything I already have. While one of them makes me overthink everything I have ever done, the other slowly but steadily sucks out all the joy from everything I love.
I cherished time I spent with people, now I dread social activity because I no longer know what will wake up this beast and send me down a spiral of fear, panic and intense urge to curl up and cry. I loved time I spent reading, now my focus doesn’t last more than a few pages. This beast is a daily reminder that I am running out of time and not doing enough, but every task I attempt is never completed because it constantly ruminates of the future and takes up all my energy. It incapacitates me and questions my worth. It make me irritable towards the ones I love and says everything to isolate me.
People say, “Take deep breaths, meditation helps”. I don’t know how to explain to them that I just can’t. That I am physically incapable of siting down for more than few minutes before my fear kicks in. I feel sorry for myself. I smile and act like everything is perfect but I am tired of putting up a strong game face. All you need to do is ask the right questions and it will all come spiraling down. I’m not fine and haven’t been for awhile.
Sometimes, I sit with my head down and everything around me is calm but up in my mind, it’s so loud! I can’t quiet the beast’s growls no matter what I try. It’s a constant battle between my mind, my life and the beast. I’m emotional, fragile, weak and tired!
Some days it convinces me that it’s all my fault and I deserve this. But there are moments when I gather some strength and face the beast, look at it for what it is and say with all my might, “No matter what you do, I will show up for myself”. Dear Anxiety and Depression, I am tired of you taking over my life, I hear all the things you say but I refuse to listen to you! I will not let you consume what makes me me. I will fight to rediscover the person I truly am!
Feature Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash